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Copyright 2009-2010 by
Mary Brotherton
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Inside my Brain

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Thursday, February 20, 2003

What should I write?
Every day, I come to this site to write something down, but not every day do I succeed. I open the link and expect words to flow from the tips of my fingers, and so often nothing happens. I stare at the screen. I view the web page. I anticipate comments that will spur me onward. NOTHING! I have a gray and white screen with a tiny orange "B" in the corner staring back at me as blankly as I stare at it. I know I have something to say, I know there is something inside of me, just begging to be released, so why can't I write? Why can't I think? Why can't I convey my thoughts to the world? I decide that it must be due to the fact that I am not using a text editor, so I open one, and the results are not surprisingly different - with the exception of the fact that my text editor does not have that insipid little orange "B" in the corner! I like that little orange "B", though. It links me to people who would not ordinarily read my words, and to some who read my emails daily, but want to see what else I might have to say. I suppose, I have a sort of fan base, and I can't let them down, can I? I wonder, though, how many people read the blogs I write on Forbidden Topics and bother to link to what I write on Inside my Brain. I don't know how many people realize that I write on both sites. I have toyed with the idea of trying to unleash a different personality who would write on each site...Inside my Brain would be the Mary that most people know and love, and Forbidden Topics could be written by the darker side of me. I actually tried to adjust my writing so that I "sound" like different people, but I failed - miserably. I am who I am, and I have struggled to find out the Who of Me for many years. I'd probably have a split personality meltdown if I pursued this endeavor. Still, I find that I do tend to write differently on the two sites, at times. When I was invited to blog on Forbidden Topics, it was supposed to become a group blog and I really looked forward to the interactivity of that. As it turns out, the only people who write here besides me, are those who leave comments for me. Alas! Not to worry, I usually have more than enough to say for two sites, but just not always when I want to say it! I actually started this entry to complain about not being able to write when I wanted to, about not finding my voice, and lookee here - I found it all the same. I do love to write, and I am learning that at times, I can write too much. My own beloved sister told me that she often deletes my lengthy emails without reading them, because she simply does not have time, nor the inclination to sit at her computer long enough to read all the way through them. What a pity. Someday, somewhere, somehow, I will find a way to let my voice be heard in a different way, but for now, I blog and I email.