Thursday, August 12, 2004

Hope and Dreams, thoughts and Ideas

My trip to bury Jacob is behind me, but not the memory of the grandson I will never hold in my arms. The road trip was, graciously, uneventful.

My mourning is still incomplete. I had a bittersweet reunion with my family and spent some much needed time with loved ones. I missed Curtis tremendously while I was gone.

My Atlanta son felt very awkward and out of place in our small hometown. He wanted very much to get out and go back home. Our trip to Atlanta was pleasant, and we both got a bit of a sunburn - I love my moonroof!

He and his friend treated me to dinner that night, after I called all my Atlanta friends to say hello - man, o man! That felt good! Both the meal and the phone conversations felt like coming home. There really aren't many quality restaurants in the area we now call home...but that's okay, because we don't have a lot of time to go out these days.

I've been really moody and fought a great deal with Curtis the first couple of weeks back home. We finally figured out that since I don't "have time to cry" I find time to fight. I'm angry that Jacob can't be here. I'm upset that my sons live so far away. I'm sad that I may never be emotionally close to my daughter-in-law, and hurt that my former in-laws can't understand why they have to be former family, and if they aren't willing to be current friends, I can't help that.

I think I am still, despite my growing love for Curtis, grieving the death of my marriage. I think it's time for me to write my X a letter - not sure he will read it or even understand it, but it feels like time to write it. I've been out of his life (more or less) for 5 years, now.

I have to gloat, though, just a little bit. People look at me and think I am in my late 30's or early 40's, when the truth is I will celebrate my 50th birthday in January 2005! I saw my former husband at Jacob's ceremony and could not believe how fat and old he looked. I had to wonder if my youthful appearance would have been erased had I continued to be his wife....what ifs change nothing!

I'm way overdue for many things: a walk on the beach, further publication, my many journals, organization of my files, cleansing my soul, dancing, and of course, paying my bills!

posted by Unknown at 8/12/2004 03:27:00 PM