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Copyright 2009-2010 by
Mary Brotherton
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Inside my Brain

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Monday, December 20, 2004

It's hard to believe that Christmas is right around the corner. I've been on that emotional roller coaster again. I'm not sure why I get back on it, when I know that it will always make me sick in more ways than one. I guess I need it to sort my thoughts out.

I found myself jealous of the one I love, and at first, it wasn't a bad thing. It let me know how truly much I cared for him, I thought. But then, the jealously turned into mistrust, misplaced trust, snooping, questioning, accusations, wondering, and pain for both of us. I'd never had a problem with trust before - so why now? Months after the pain of this dark emotion took me captive, I've been set free.

My ex was insanely jealous of me for years, without provocation. I'd always been an open book for him (and for pretty much everyone). Whenever a guy flirted with me, I told the man I was married to. I wanted to share my entire day with him. I thought that if he knew other men were flirting with me, he would be flattered that someone else found me attractive. I had no idea that it would turn against me. I was always certain to tell him of my responses toward the other guys, too; I wanted him to know that I was remaining faithful. Still, he accused me of infidelity. For more than ten years, I lived with the pain of his lost trust.

Last night, while journalizing to a friend, I understood both why he had been jealous, and why I had become jealous. Since he was not an open, trusting person to begin with, he did not believe anyone else could be. Since he withheld important, key information, he believed everyone else did the same. I have no proof that he was unfaitfhful, but many have suggested that he accused me, so that I would go into defensive mode, in order to take the light of guilt off himself. I had become jealous so that I could learn a lesson from the universe about how it felt, and so that I could finally forgive him for what he had put me through. I didn't like how it felt, but it was something I needed to experience, I suppose.

I needed to "walk in his shoes" and see how unhappy he had been. I needed to know that my own jealousy was misplaced. If I had been innocent through all of my ex's accusations, surely the one I directed my jealousy toward is just as guilt-free. Flirting is not an automatic sign that someone is cheating or will cheat. Flirting is just flirting and is harmless! This is my Christmas Miracle, this year. Finally, I am free of the torture of being jealous. Finally, I am free to love again, without conditions and without fear.

None of my ex's accusations made him less jealous, nor me more faithful. How can you be more than totally faithful? Nothing he said in his jealous rages made me love him more, but they did, eventually make me start loving him less, and eventually to stop loving him entirely. I never want the one I hold so precious to my heart to stop loving me. For years, I felt like a jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing. He is that missing piece. I've written tomes of poetry dedicated to the hole in my heart or the tear in my soul. My beloved had filled the hole and put his crazy glue on the tear. I dare not lose him to a base emotion like jealousy.